i stumbled upon a song when i'm thinking about last night(last night as in yesterday, not the title). things are making me pretty confusing. is it under the influence of alcohol that it happened or like what things were said, go with the flow? i don't know. life is full of tangled relationships. we shall see.

if i told you once, i told you twice
you can see it in my eyes
i'm all cried out, with nothing to say
you're everything i wanted to be
if you could only see
your heart belongs to me
i love you so much
i'm yearning for your touch
come and set me free
forever yours i'll be
baby won't you come and take this pain away

night out

a night out drinking with some friends, and friends of friends sounds kinda good. it all started with 3 ah peks suggesting beer at a coffee shop while waiting for the rest to arrive. late into the night, we started drinking while some play games like 5-10, director etc. the guys ended up rather tipsy while the girls stood quite strong huh. smoke, laughter, alcohol and noises filled up the room. lots of nonsense, lots of revelations and other stuffs. great company.

i thought about what i did last night. maybe it will have serious effects on my health. hahas. yea. but nvm. looking forward to november. the time starts next sun. relive the passion!

workshop

a day out at the school's workshop made me kinda miss the times when i'm in my uniform days doing dnt. it was a tough journey. i remembered vividly of the pushings we get from my teacher. the tearing of our rubbish and seeing our folios being thrown out of the window and we were made to run down to get it back and climb back to level 5 back into class. we always dreaded dnt lessons. cuz of the fierce environment that we were put in. the then mr cheong was a inspiration to me. he motivates, tho ppl around us laughed at his enthusiasm in the subject and in the students welfare. my sec sch wasn't much of a top school. it is often ranked as one of the last few. but it is only in the area of dnt that the sch scored quite well. when we got our results, dnt in our school was ranked as one of the top 5 in singapore. the screamings, tears from some, sweat from everyone, pimples cuz of the dusty room, bleeding from some, bruises, pride crushed on when we see our own work being criticized or torn, folios being thrown, after all these years, it's all worth it. the teachers mark so strictly for our o'levels. a B3 in dnt from my sch would meant an A1 in dnt from other school. that's how we shot ourselves up into the top 5 in singapore.

it's been 3 years i last embarked on a major project. i got my objective yesterday. it's something totally different but well, i'll still be walking the same road i've walked 3 years ago. there'll be as much pushing, pressure, expectations, scoldings. i find it dreadful as usual. but at the end of it, i know it'll be worthwhile. of the many emotions we go thru in our daily lives, we often care about what we feel now. we tend to overlook the part about where will this lead me to. i tell myself i must smile, be as cranky no matter what i'm going thru. cuz i know that everything happens for a reason. we must go thru storms so that we can see the rainbow. =))

i can never be a inspiration to others. cuz i am not perfect. and yes, keeping in touch is important. after many years, i feel it isn't right to even lose contact. things were different then. i thought i had my anointing. i left cuz i felt a greater power over me. i felt i had to do something bout it. i felt guilty for quite some time. i've spoken to ppl during that period and they helped me to get rid of that guilt. the guilt stayed and hindered me from doing something greater in the organization. when i finally did get over it and let go, things begin to change. my views of the organization changed. things were changing into something which i kinda displease of. i couldn't bring myself to talk about it with someone bigger. cuz i know i'll be reprimanded. i kept it, and it slowly draw myself away from them. that's where i tot that's it.

there are a dozen stuffs i wanna tell you at that time. but i couldn't. i was told not to. and as time goes by, those words seems history to me. and it slowly got forgotten.

it's a past i will never forget about. the experiences, everything. it's my greatest 2 years of my life cuz i made valuable friends there. friends that i did not lose contact up til now. friends where i can really pour whatever that is in my heart. these, are the ones i love and will treasure. the people who shares the same thinking. even without me asking or saying, they know what's troubling me. these i'll say, are friends worth me dying for. but then again, are they still that worthwhile after so many years when they left alongside with me? =))

what are dreams. i had a weird dream last night. as well as a well, sorta wonderful dream as well. i talked about it. and i ask myself what exactly are dreams for? and of course, what they are. are dreams a replica of the future? or are they some scary past that we have in childhood? or is it something that is impossible, but worth indulging a lil of dreaming about it. or more. like perhaps dreaming about someone else's life? i don't know. ironically, dreams can be a tool for inspiration, motivation and perhaps, a pinch of confidence. funny thing is, they can be demoralizing, frustrating, getting oneself rather paranoid and many others. so, in your opinion, what exactly are dreams for? and why do we day dream? are we not satisfied with what we are/have?

my buddy, roy is going off to thailand today. it's his first time on a plane and he's pretty excited. i so want to travel with my friends overseas too! mum asked me to wait til nov, she'll take us there. my initial plan is to go on national day. unfortunately, exams are on the following week. i want to go with some pals. then nov, go again with family, then on cny, to taiwan!! hahas. i don't mind tioman with friends tho. with the cheap food and alcohol. save save. the last thing i need, is some stupid obstruction to stop me from going. =))

anyway, this song is nice.

"bouncy bouncy smack smack i'm gonna give you an heart attack!"
hahas

iris

good friends support each other after the humiliation.
great friends keep quiet about it pretending nothing happened in the first place.

good friends, offer to help in a crisis.
great friends, don't take no for an answer(when help is offered).

i met an old friend today. was kinda coincident actually. looking back, yes, it's been so long. was asking bout the whereabouts of that friend just this afternoon. never did i expect to bump my friend outside sch after class. out of curiosity, i asked why didn't i see you online for like months or even close to a year. the answer given was kinda thought-provoking to me. isolation. isolate to keep away from the entire world to prevent any change of heart in the relationship. my gawd. i just couldn't believe it. just earlier when i asked around, what i got was rumours of the dark secret which, i believe everyone does have at least a dozen to keep about oneself. not that i do not know about that particular dark secret(cuz we used to share about it openly and about how regretful we felt), but i just didn't know that the world out there knows about it. everyone have got their own share of dozens of deep dark secrets anyway.

it made me think but could not deny the fact that good stuffs/deeds are often unappreciated and mistakes/bad stuffs do move around fast. before you even catch a single breathe about it, the whole world knows about it already. and by then, it's too late for you to even do anything. i kinda feel for her. but perhaps it's something unavoidable that we just gotta accept it. all i can do and offer, is being there since isolation is the key to what my friend wanted. i kinda sense something is not right, or am i just being too sensitive. i just find it weird why a person who use to wear a broad smile and laughter whenever he/she goes but years later, it decided to keep itself isolated or wat. that's something weird. change, is undoubtedly a good thing. but it all depends on how we adapt to such changes. the approach that we use are often regarded as the best way by ourselves. not knowing if it really is the best and most practical way or could be something else is rather, er well, not really desirable for me. but then again, unless we don't even take a step towards it, we will not know about its ending or result at all.

billions of people living on this planet earth. millions of species of animals in this planet. nothing will be the same. we can never take a blueprint of ourselves to create another we. even by the technology of modern science such as cloning, we can never clone a person with the exact same personality. maintaining relationships with the people around us is actually not tough at all. think about it. how often do we complain or gossip bout our friends, family etc about how they treat us or handle certain stuffs and issues. how we perceive them to be as just cuz their lifestyle doesn't suit ours. ultimately, it is not up to us who have the power to judge. we're all not perfect beings(cuz there's nothing perfect to even start with). every single atom of this world is not made to be perfect. we see germs mutating into a infectious disease. even an antidote can be something poisonous. it's just like life. it seems essential and friendly to us this min, but who knows, by the next min, it turns its hands against us. to kick us down, to suppress us with enormous pressure that we can never break out of. still, we will see ourselves standing up and continue walking. we came into this world as humble beings. many left it with secrets hidden in their hearts. some hearts left this world the exact same colour as it was brought into here. some hearts turn black with their evil ways and conspiracy. others might have some other colours with an equal balance of both. or perhaps some other colour that we can never think of.

it just so happened that i was listening to a song, this lyrics actually bold itself.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who i am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

yea. something to think about. =))

spoken to mum last night and we talked about migrating. perhaps it's a good idea to get our ass out of this country. at least to somewhere that's not very stressful or wat. but er, never mind. lol. =)) cuz in this country, it's all about that paper. perhaps education might be a bad thing. never ever study too much. cuz the higher the monkey climbs up the education ladder, the more you see of his ass.

til then, see you guys. =))

sunday mornings

"Sunday Morning"

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning

hahas. what a good way to start this entry with this song! tho it's not morning now, but yea, the song is still nice! yes, and it's back to school tmr. looking back on these 2 weeks break, i spend it on practically nothing useful! hahas. except for a couple of mahjong nights, late night supper, bbq's and stuffs. and i very much hated the fact that this is my last term break in my poly life. how sad. gosh.

followed family for a company chalet last night. sorta birthday party for dad's friend's daughter's birthday as well as his grand-daughter's birthday. the mum's only a year older than me? and she already have 2 kids. she's pretty too. i mean for a malay. yea. er, yea, so she's 21, she's a mother of 2, obviously she's married, and she have her own house! hahas. her husband is like shorter than her? lol. but i gotta say that they came from a very good family background. but that's besides the point.

the chalet is over at tanah merah national service resort and country club. nice place man. with close proximity to the sun, sea and sand. and with frequent sightings of airplanes. it feels so good to drive along the runway airstrip in your sights, steeping onto the accelerator to try and beat the speed of the plane, my god, what a feeling!

went to work on this tiring night shift of mine. sad to say, time passes rather slowly. spend a quarter of the time surfing the net and doing nothing. sitting around the counter and looking at faces of the patients. my first sightings of nurses pushing coffins into A&E and out of it. what to do, it's the hospital. you'll get to see life, you'll get to see death. you'll get to see smiles, you'll see tears too. you'll see the realization in some people's eyes that they're beginning to treasure their love ones. and lots more.

mum came to pick me up, followed her to the market and she drop me off at home while she went out. i tot maybe i should give myself a 2 hr sleep before i head town. hahas. i set the alarm, but my phone's on silent mode. i overslept la. so sorry man.

i kindda missed mahjong. hahas. the game's rather addictive. just like some other stuffs in our daily lives. was wondering, is addiction a sin? i mean, i did talked about letting go before we can take something new. sometimes, we refuses to let go for i-don't-know what reason, but is addiction something bad?

nahs, frankly speaking, i've got nothing to blog about. too tired to even have inspirations. went driving around with mum just now. went lim chu kang, kranji, sungei tengah. it feels so good to see a little baby sleeping soundly in my arms and shoulders. i feel it do makes the weary smile somehow. hahas.

it's here it's here!!

birthday boys

hellooooooooooooooooooo everybody!

alright, first and foremost, happy 20th birthday to my two poly brothers. mr ang mingwei and mr lim chunping. coincidentally, their birthday falls on the same day! hahas. without these 2 buddies, my poly life would be so damn boring!

anyway, watched surf up today over at town. the show's quite ok. some humorous parts too. walked around before heading home for dinner. dad's not back yet, so will be waiting for him. might have some plans later tho. =))

i read a friend's blog yesterday. apparently, her close friend committed suicide. she took a knife and stab right thru her heart. my jaw dropped while reading it. i can't help but think about it today.

life is just so fragile. perhaps, there's a limit in everyone's life. how hard can life push us? sometimes, when we're at our wits end, we hoped that we know what to do. or at least there's someone who'll be there to encourage us, to keep us going. sometimes, what we need in life isn't the determination to keep walking. maybe what we need is just a little encouragement from others. that is the extreme of suicidal thoughts. whenever we're hit by something painful emotionally, sometimes we tried to run away, we mutilate ourselves, we drown our sorrows in alcohol, we give up on ourselves not putting a single thought of our future. we just give up on our lives. it's all a matter of choice. of how we look at it. how we handle the stresses that life keeps bombarding us. i always believed that there is never a dead end to lives problems and its mysteries. i always believed that with every challenges, comes with a hidden blessing. we have to lose something in order to gain something else. we have to often sacrifice what is dear to us, in order to take something better. we must give, only then we can receive. cuz we only have 2 hands. we must give up what's on our hands, before we can take something new with that same pair of hands.

i do not know the reason why such extremes would be committed by her friend. but i do think that life is indeed fragile. since we're brought into this world, we must learn to be strong. the strongest survives this perilous world. cuz winners don't quit. quitters never win. like in the show surf up, winners just find a way to win. losers don't.

as strong as we are, life is still precious.

but then again, suicide. is it a choice or it's fate?


til then, see you guys. =))

where does it come from, this quest?
it's a need to solve life's mysteries or the questions can never be answered.
why are we here?
what is the soul?
why do we dream?
not learning.
not yearning.
but that's not human nature.
nor the human heart.
that, is not why we are here.

yet still we struggle to make a difference.
to change the world.
to dream of hope.
never knowing of certain who we'll be along the way.
who among the world of strangers will hold our hand.
touch our hearts.
and share the pain of triumph.

we dream of hope.
we dream of change.
fire, love and of death.
then it happens.
the dream becomes real.
and the answers to this quest, it's need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself.
like a glowing light of a new dawn.

so much struggle for meaning.
for purpose.
and then the end, we find the meaning in each other.
our shared experience of the fantastic, and the mundane.
the simple human need to find the answers, to connect.
and our hearts,
we are not alone.


always strive for a win-win situation. lol

i bleed it out digging deeper just to throw it away!

LINKIN PARK LYRICS

"Bleed It Out"

Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line

Throw 'em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind

Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose

String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose

Truth is you can stop and stare
Run myself out and no one cares

Dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
[End Chorus]

Go stop the show
Choppy words and a sloppy flow

Shotgun opera lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go

Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse

Candy paint on his brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works

Fuck this hurts I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

So why try ignoring him
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out

I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this

I pull myself apart
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out

wat a night at a friend's place! mahjong, craps and nonsense. life is just like mahjong. when you get shitty tiles, you'll get sian of it. but who knows? you might win something big. when you get too good tiles, you get extremely happy. but who knows? you might lose that round. yea man!

played 2 full rounds before i felt tired and started resting while they played the third round. i kap with jia en in the 3rd round. was feeling tired already i still went to take over her place to play for one round. nb. the tiles very nice. but i'm feeling too tired to take notice of it. if i game that round, 4 tai lei. !@#$% sorry man. hahas.

i'm addicted to this song. ya ya ya. i know i'm a late bloomer. but it's nice yea.

mum's boss invited us to go genting with his family together. driving there. he'll be throwing in free hotel rooms for us. the thing is, do we even have the time for it. casino casino. this time i must really get in.

and now, it's back to my showssssssss. enjoy the song guys. =))

life is precious

worked last night. it's my third time working at tan tock seng as a pharmacy assistant. apparently, the only pharmacy that is open overnight is the A&E department. was kinda slack tho. so i was just sitting at the counter and looked around the main area and chatted with a colleague. just within this 3 days i've worked there, i've seen all sorts of ppl. some fussy customers, so blur ones. some fake their illnesses just to get an mc blah blah blah.

but what i saw yesterday is something different. i've seen countless ambulance stopping over at tan tock seng. i've seen ppl taking their medicine in a really bad shape. my colleague said most teenagers who come here at night is either accident, or brawls at clubs or pubs. but what i saw yesterday really slapped me. i saw 2 guys crying and sobbing. i could not help but think that life is so unpredictable. it's like one moment, you see a person. he's doing fine, he's doing well. the next day, you receive a call for a bad news. how are we to react to it? quite frankly, i've never asked myself that question. would i react in a way that i feel so guilty and regretful for not treasuring the bonds that we shared as family or friends? or would i react in a way that i know we had a good bond with each other. what i've not yet to see, is seeing nurses pushing passed away patients away from A&E to the mortuary. my colleague says, sometimes we can see that.

i spoke to mum about it. of the tears that ppl shed in A&E. the huge amount of medicines they have to take. the amount of injections that they have to inject in them. i think it's really tough. we only have one life. make the best out of it.

my colleague advised that having frequent diarrhea is one of the symptoms of colon cancer. it's not just soft stools. but it applies to also practically shitting water out. next obvious symptoms is shitting blood out of your rectum. my my my...

anyway, here's a secret snapshot of me.

i look kindda weird tho. hahas.

see you guys. =))

doctor

went viewing profiles, i stumbled across the first song above. quite nice. you might wanna pause my page default song and listen to this. yea. the second song suddenly appeared in my mind, so i decided to post it.

anyway, took mum to the doctor. she had a swollen foot. she didn't sprain her ankle or anything. the swell just appeared like that. doctor gave some antibiotics and painkillers. we'll see how for the next few days.

was talking to mum on the car. she asked me about my life. so i told her what i've been up to and what i'll be doing next blah blah blah. she threw the big bomb to me. she asked, i got a new girl already ah. hahahahas. no la.

a friend have been telling me about the way it is handled. every beginning must have an end. sometimes, the end is beautiful, sometimes forceful. no matter what the ending is, the ending must be proper. it's just like a death of someone. it must be done properly with a presentable funeral etc. you get what i mean. not to say who'd fault it is. there will always be a series of events that led everything into where it is today. with the series of events, we must know that some is not what we would anticipate, some is er done purposely or mistakes. but anyway, to make things short, all end must be beautiful and proper. not some childish outcome so to speak.

mum said only we know it ourselves what's good and bad for us. we're all given the choice to choose. if we choose to go the path we know it's wrong, we cannot blame anyone about its consequences. yes, occasionally, we all seek the joy and thrills of it. occasionally, things will be led from one place to another. we are given the choice to stop it from mutating further. the odds are however, very obvious that we will be curious to see how things evolve further. such curiosity could kill sometimes. whatever it is, we must not walk this journey with an evil heart. we came into this world pure and innocent, so we should leave this place the exactly the way we came here. life is not a place where ppl feel it's torturing. yes, inevitably, sometimes we do feel that like is dreadful. but know that life is suppose to be beautiful. afterall, it is only planet earth who can accommodate living creatures to live in.

lives are meant to be shared. it shouldn't be a lonesome life for a particular being. mum said we only have one life. there is actually no room for mistakes. sometimes, mistakes can leave scars behind. i looked at myself, only to be thankful that yes, i've my mistakes. but my mistakes are not big enough to leave a scar in me. =)) i'm glad.

the ironic thing is, farhan said, learn from our mistakes. and make the same mistakes again. hahas. what great ideology. =))

photos

was looking thru my albums and stumbled across some photos i took which i've yet to share with you guys.


this little boy went home for a week cuz he's down with fever and some skin allergy. he came back yesterday and i tot he became a monk. hahas. cute isn't it.


no matter how tough things looks to you now, but still don't give up. you've walked this far, endure it for another few months, you'll get thru. you don't make decisions based on your present situation. make it for the good of the future.


i'll never forget all the nonsense we had. hahas

anyway, i kindda lost some of my photos taken when i'm in year 1? damn. alright. so what have i been doing. nothing much actually. been watching alot of movies lately. as mush as twice yesterday. shag. tired.

watched fantastic 4 with some friends yesterday afternoon. movie's kindda short, so not worth my money. went home for dinner and watched some tv.

last min decision. went cine to watch men in white. 115am show. took the car, pick up a friend and went to watch it. er, the story line is kinda lame. but it's real funny. and i seriously tot that it's gonna be scary. ended up one is covering ears, the other covering the eyes. we were sitting at the corner. and just right across us and in front of us, there's this couple being naughty. there wasn't much ppl watching the anyway. hahas. drove around after the movie and decided that i wanted to go home cuz i'm feeling sleepy. so sorry man. next time next time.

went gyming and mahjong as well.

tmr is going to ba a real loooooooooooooooooooong day for me. a loooooooong and tiring day.

ooh ooh. told parents that camera is spoilt. they asked why. i say don't know? hahas. but anyway, might be trading in for another camera with canon. been aiming for a Ixus 950IS or an Ixus i-zoom. which one which one? lol

anyway, was driving home and the radio played this song. sometimes it feels so good to be able to listen to some old songs. nice. =))

"Unfaithful"

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore
Uh
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)

No no no no

Yeah yeah yeah

tiger lily

MATCHBOOK ROMANCE LYRICS

"Tiger Lily"

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.
and if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go (and never let go)
i'll never let go (i'll never let go)
as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawal of you
for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

why does tonight, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse. (any worse)
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words
'cause i, i don't want to make things
and i, i don't want to make things any worse

ram

i was driving last night when this lady hit the back of my car with her bike. oh my goodness. there wasnt much damage, only some scratches. yea.

learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow.

faith

had a conversation with mum on the car just now. we talked about faith. and i realised that faith is not just a simple 5 letter word. it comes with a heavy responsibility and commitment. i told her, the deeper we believe in it, we will start asking ourselves questions.

i mean, the more you participate in it, the more you go deeper in it, you will begin to look around you and yourself. are you doing wat you've been teaching or being taught? it's ironic that often, we show and maybe am that kind of person. the one that many ppl who'll want to follow you. behind them, we're still human. humane feelings and temptations will never cease to disappear. they will always be there.

yea, the more you trust your faith into something, the more questions you ask and the more questions you ask, the more you'll see yourself walking away with disappointment. is it really the truth that the basis of our existance in this world all boils down for ppl to make money from it? in this man-eater world, we're bound to be used by someone or something. even the very intriguing questions that still lingers in millions of lives, there'll be ppl who sees it as an money making opportunity. they tried to explain it, in return, we believe it to be so and offered our time, faith and money to keep that ideology going. inevitably, at the end of the day, we'll still be scratching our heads asking the same question. why are we here in this world where we often see lives going thru hardship and sufferings.

the least we could do as individuals, is to try to lighten the burdens on these ppl backs. offering help to carry their load which made them walking hunch-back as their habit, can really help to make the word life more pleasant sounding. but of course, start with the ppl around you first. =))

don't say life is unfair. cuz we all know that it's unfair. things don't usually go according to plan. but that's the purpose of it isn't it? one important life lessons we all gotta face is to be adaptive to changes.

smile, and you'll bring smiles to frowning, heavy hearted ppl. =)

adrenaline pump.

hahas. i had my fun today. drove up to malaysia with parents and grandma. grandma's brother in law passed away a few days back. he fell somewhere and hit his head which eventually killed him. yea, so we went for his funeral over at yong peng or something like that. it's er, about 170km away from johore. so it took bout an hour and half for us to reach there. i drove. i speed. dad say i can speed. so i took it to the limit and he train me for it. hahas. train me how to drive in malaysia's highway. apparently, they have their own set of rules.

today's top speed i tried, 140km/hr. the feeling is so good. dad say, if you're feeling down, you speed. you will feel better. but you must be careful. sad to say, singapore's traffic is not a good atmosphere to speed. hahas. we went in the afternoon. left the place at round 9pm.

i tell you man. their highway at night is totally dark. no road lamps, nothing. it's like you driving under the dark sky. and you can see stars too! while in the highway, i was like driving 120km, and like i said, it's dark. suddenly, we saw something on the road! can you imagine that? i'm not quite sure wat it is. but the speed of the car is too fast for me to even react to it. and the wheels just ran over it. when we saw that "thing", we saw traces of blood too. seriously, i dont know wat it is. i think it's an animal which another had hit it earlier and it died there. our car ran over it. mum shouted when she saw it, i stepped on the brakes but of no use at all. it still went over it. she asked, wat's that?

i say i don't know. maybe an animal. but there's blood. and i'm sure we didn't kill it cuz it's already dead even before we ran over it. then mum threw a bombing question. wat if it is a human? shit la. i scolded her. dont anyhow say. dont think so. i mean, there's no bike lying around there, so it couldn't be a human. no one walks the long stretch of that highway late at night? especially when it's super dark? then she ask,wat if that thing is a kid who fell off a bike? cannot be la.

oh pls, i'm sure and hoping it's not a human. but anyway, grandma didn't come back with us. she decided to stay til tmr. am kindda worried about her. i hope she is ok now. dad's planning a trip to either genting or cameroon highlands. i'm excited. cuz i'm now a certified malaysian driver. hahas.

i was thinking about it just now. i find it sad that we often do catching ups with our distant relative only when there is a funeral. i mean dont you feel that way too? we often only get to meet our relatives when someone passes away. the thought of dying is scary enough. how sad can it be when someone dies, we get to meet each other? staying in contact is important. dad say that the funeral is the first funeral in that community to be so grand. we bought and ordered alot of stuffs for the funeral. apparently, it is not their tradition to put up those towels and blankets around. but we ordered from singapore. we orderes a 10 feet long blanket which stretches all the way to 3 houses long. many ppl from the community came to look at it. but that's besides the point.

mum's been asking about it recently. i think she kinda get wat i mean. no, it's not about wat you're thinking about. but er, aiyya. you guys will know it one day. haahs.

time to shower and rest.

life is good. i love it man. thanks guys. all these came at the right time. i finally am able to see it. =))

old times. =))

did some catching up with some old friends yesterday. it's kinda funny huh. i mean, looking at what life throws at us. frankly speaking, it's kinda sad to see us once a leader in youth ministry to actually fall in the hands of the devil eventually. i mean not to say that we actually become small devils but er, we're still human. hypocrisy will always exist. we very much often tries to look and evaluate ourselves in the hope that we will not turn ourselves from a saint to a hypocrite. that is often not the case. yes, looking back, it is the times we shared that are dearly missed. but now, it is the shame that we dare not face from the day we decides to walk away.

c'mon think about it. how many left? quite a handful actually. and yes, what we say of ourselves may not be truly what we are actually am. life is unpredictable. and it comes with many different flavours. we cannot as to say that we are strong enough to face every flavour at the same time. it's just like food with different taste. taking many different flavours will cause a stomach upset eventually.

we have take life one step at a time. slowly indulge yourselves in the savouring of life's many kinds of flavours. be it the type that you do not like to taste, or those flavours that you favour on. ultimately, every taste of life that we go thru will be something meaningful to us. we may not see it now, but in the long run, we know how life actually taste like.

we may cry thinking and looking back at the fun that we had, all the screams and the jumpings. the encouragements and the reading. the food. the music. the singing. the serving. the helping. most importantly, the company. it's all memories. what we did not think about at that point of time is that, we will all one day grow up. the growing process will change a person's attitude along the way.

it's good to never be sad for anything that happens. while we're still in the midst of our losses, we still have the ability to think clearly. we may not be receiving directions from anyone or anything, but there will always be bread crumbs laying around the floor for us to pick up. we must understand that we're not the first person who is walking this journey. there are alot more ppl who've walked thru this, and they came out unharmed. they left the bread crumbs for us to pick up on, and of course, we can still have the pushing and encouragement from one another.

life is a process that we all have gotta go thru it. it's like a time table. every single being must go thru a certain flavour before he/she leaves this world. 4 years ago, i left the world many thought is perfect. i wanted to savour the kind of life outside. i cannot blame them for forcing me to leave. cuz it's my decision at the end. 4 years later, i realised that i'm not the only one who left. there are others who followed and shared the same views.

it's views that i wont want to talk about it anymore. be it in any world that we are, i still believe that we can be the same to each other like we were, 4 years ago. my previous world changed me. but i left it only to be changed into someone uglier. now, i'm going back to the group of company that changed me. cuz that's where i realised i find my real joy in it.

everything is falling back into place as it seems. but it's too early to say. yes, i'm beginning to re-live the moment. as far as i'm controlling not to be too materialistic, these materials just keep coming. i think it's ok once in a while to enjoy them right? hahas. next week or the week after is gonna be a very exciting week for me.

it's gonna be funny that it will be at a place where we all use to think that it's wrong to go. doing things that we used to think it's wrong to do. but it's all under the same company.

give me 14 days. i will be proud to announce something..............

and i'm still shitting rather abnormally.

i have things to blog about. but i don't know how and what to start with. i kept thinking about the right words to start it off. i just kept thinking and thinking and thinking.

i can't do this. each time i try, i get pulled down by the devil. it's a fight i can never win by my efforts alone. but i will try. i'll be the one in control. not my negative thoughts. i will do it. and i must do it.

meanwhile, do you know what i want?

...

what shitty day i have today. panel review. presentation. demonstration. all the questions. you. fuck shit.

forget it. let's get it done and over with. i don't care anymore. why is it that everything is me? i'm suppose to know everything? i'm suppose to answer every question that is thrown on us? fuck.